New Beginnings

Well, I can no longer be considered a "kid", as in a matter of days I will have one of my own. This blog was integral to my weight loss a few years ago, and so it's only fitting that I return to it as I tackle post-baby weight.

I found a gym that reminds me of Planet Fitness, I have a Pilates Studio owner for a mom, and a jogging stroller from FreeCycle heading my way.

There is no better time for me to get healthy, for life. I don't have drum corps anymore to make me lose 30lbs over a 3mo period, and a winter to gain it back. I have a baby girl ready to enter into the world, who is going to be subject to all the thin-centric media in the world. She doesn't need to be skinny, she doesn't have to be fat, I just want her to look to her mom and know I've always been comfortable and healthy in my own skin - regardless of what my tags or scales say.

That's really what it's all about, giving her a prime example of a confident woman - someONE she can aspire to BE like, not someTHING to LOOK like.

As of today, November 27th, 2009, 37.5wks into my pregnancy - I weigh 239.8lbs. I've gained 40lbs during the pregnancy, but 30lbs previous to that from August 08 to April 09 after I came back from the summer.

By November 27th, 2010, I'd like to weigh 150lbs. This is still the "top" of my healthy weight/BMI range for my height, but it will be tiny for me. And that is the weight I'd like to stick to, something obtainable, but not ridiculously skinny, something I can maintain for a long time.

I'll be back soon! In the meantime, feel free to catch up on my nesting obsession. Adorning Alabama

Okay, so I guess it's time to update this blog, or drop it.

Cuz, well, there's that whole pregnancy-weight gain, thing.

Yeah! I'm pregnant! Trevor and I are having a baby!! Oh my goodness, I'm so stupid excited about it.

But. Right now, we're not talking about baby, really. We're talking about what my fat ass has done in the past two weeks since finding out. One guess...it starts with E, and rhymes with "feet".

I don't know what my deal is! I KNOW I'm not "eating for two", you're only supposed to eat about 300 more calories than normal. Hello, it's a BABY in there, not a full grown adult. But yeah. Since I found out, and then entered my 6th and 7th week, my appetite is all wacked. The first week, I didn't care, because we were stressed. The second (read, sixth) week started out bad with a trip to the A's game, and plenty of crap food. Since then my tummy can't decide if it's full or starving, a really really weird phenomenon. Add the nausea on to it, and you'd think I wouldn't even want to look at food!

But no. No, all I want is comfort, carb-y, fatty goodness. Our meals the past week? Monday, Beef Stroganoff. Tuesday, Taco Night. Wednesday, Left Over Beef Stroganoff. Thursday, Cheese Burgers. Friday, Hawaiian Pizza. And thats just DINNER. Nevermind the crap they've been bringing me at work since they found out. Breakfast sandwiches, food from the catering service down the street, taco truck, bear claws... seriously! It's ridiculous.

So, needless to say, I'm back up in the 190s. Below 195, but depending on how recently I've gone to the bathroom, that statement could be false. I HAVE gone to the gym 4 times in the last two weeks, which is not bad given my track record the last...6 months? I went again today, and felt great. Thats the thing, I feel AMAZING at, and after, the gym. But, it's the getting to it that's my problem. Morning sickness, and a cuddly baby daddy make it rally hard to go before work, and after work I'm exhausted from my caffeine withdrawal.

But I just need to do it. Two reasons:

A. (for annoying) I never want anyone to think "is she pregnant? or is she just fat." Yeah. Not into that.
B. (for baby) I need to be a healthy vessel for this tiny blueberry-sized blob with webbed hands and feet. (Yeah weekly baby-formation updates) Drum corps has always been a reason, vanity has always been a reason, but NEVER have I had any driving force to fix my health, more important than this one. I'm tired, ALL the time, and it has to do with my diet and exercise. Having a baby, and raising a baby is exhausting as it is, I can't be sleepy mama, I have to be up and alert and healthy to ENJOY being the young mom that I am.

So, today after babysitting (go fig.) I went to the gym. I almost didn't go, but I was on the phone with my mom, and I couldn't exactly bail with that kind of witness. And it was good. (then I came home and ate leftover pizza. I had a good food day otherwise, don't judge.) And tonight, I feel a million times better than I have the last few days, not over stuffed, I can handle the nausea...if anything I'm a little dehydrated, but I have a bottle of water downstairs thats calling my name.

So that's what's up. I won't change the page tonight, it's 10:15, I'm tired and the animals need their dinner. But I guess I can, and this can show my progress for the next 5-6 months until I get too big to work out.

Back to counting calories

Well. I went on vacation, and 2 out of those 4 lbs came back.

As of today, I have exactly ONE month before the wedding. If that's not crush time (heh, get it?) I don't know what is. I'm on a 1200 calorie/day diet, and to keep as active as possible. Tonight is my first time home before midnight in a week, so there's lots of cleaning and organizing to do, which definitely burns some you-know-what. Also, the dog is digging up my garden, soooo I should go out there and fix that. But it's dark and rainy, and the Sharks game is on.

I need to get super anal about this whole weightloss thing. I don't know how I did it two years ago, it was so easy!

Tomorrow I'll start running, 30min around the blocks (once it's light out, of course)

Out if nowhere...

I lost 4 lbs int he past week. The gym just isn't happening for me at the moment, so I had to make another change.

I started eating breakfast.

I know! Crazy, right? But it keeps me full throughout the day, and then when dinner comes, I'm not starving like usual. (which means plenty of leftovers for lunch the next day, which saves money AND calories. I'm genius, I know.)

So, for the past two weeks, I've been eating organic applesauce (no sugar, just shmooshed apples) w/ an ounce of Mona Vie (that acai berry stuff), and peanut butter toast. Peanut butter, like the applesauce, just shmooshed peanuts and salt.) And four pounds! Gone!

Now I'm down to 187, which, while it's only 1lbs less than my last numbered update, it's 4lbs less than last week. I just need to keep staying under 190, and the pounds will keep going down. It's like, when I've over 190, I just don't care. I'm depressed, feel ugly, don't take care of me, eat cookies cuz it's like what worse can I do to myself? Bottom line, VERY bad place for me to be mentally. So, I'll just stay under 190. Beautiful.

Today I spent the whole morning gardening. Like, serious gardening...digging up rock and grass, tilling my garden area with only a shovel, planting...I got a nice tan line, and burned a ton of calories, I'm sure. And, I LOVED it. It's so gorgeous this weekend, I just need constructive things to occupy my time.

I want to nap, but I think I'll be happier if I just go clean up the kitchen instead.

making progress

I've been eating so much better this week, it's disgusting. I do love my Eating Right/Lean Cuisine/Smart Ones meals. I know they're technically "processed food", but if I feel satisfied w/ half the calories of a regular meal, crap, I'm going to do it. I'll get organic another day.

So, I've dropped two pounds, down to 188 which is killer. I went o the gym 3 times last week, but I haven't been since Tuesday. Work has been ridiculous. But you know what? I've been doing house work, sweeping, dishes, couch reupholstering, and man, being a house wife makes me break a sweat!

I need to be careful tho, my boss even said to me yesterday "you gotta stop burning the candle at both ends, girl" and it's so true. But, I love my life!

The only thing is, since I've gained this weight, my sex drive has dropped off, and boyfriend is feeling it. Anyone who knows me KNOWS this is not normal for me. In high school, I was the fat girl, BUT I was also the only one of my friends getting action, because I was so confident, regardless. I need to get back to that.


-C

Kickboxing and pizza.

OKay, so I went to the gym last night. Thats three times in three weeks! Ugh. Better than the 2mo sabbatical I took during the holidays, right?

I really wanted to do this kickboxing class, but I got there early so I went on the bike for about 15min just to kinda warm things up. Got in the class, there's no punching bags or anything (lame). But, it is a cardio kickboxing, so what the hell.

Holy jesus, I only made it through like 20 min for the 60 min class. My feet were cramping up like NO OTHER, and I wanted to die. I was sweating (melting to the floor). I liked it, it was fun, and I felt like a strong, powerful woman...until I looked at myself in the mirror. The instructor was screaming "kick off that shake!" which really makes no sense to me, since anyone in their right ind knows that the fat isn't going to disappear from working a certain area.

I mean, okay, I liked it. But I don't know what was going on. They're newer shoes, they've been broken in, but I dunno. Maybe I need to run or jog around the building first. I punished myself for sitting in the sauna for like 20 min.

Then I came home and had a big plate of broccoli, followed by three slices of pizza. Nice.

This whole one-day a week thing at the gym is obviously not working for me. Duh. So I'm going to try and go tonight after work. No no no, I AM going to go tonight after work. "Never try, just do" type deal, right?

Two months?

Okay, so I just realized my best friend's wedding is in two months. It literally was like "Okay, March to April, April to Mayyyyywwwhat???."

I thought I had forever for this!

I haven't been very good, I forgot my integral rule that I followed two years ago: half of every plate needs to be vegetables. I just am having such a hard time finding motivation to wake up, and work out, and eat right, blah blah blah. I mean, my life has been in transition the past few weeks with this move, but can't I just shut up and do it?

This weekend I worked really hard reframing my couch, to prepare it for re-covering, and I got a nice upper-body workout w/ all the sawing and hammering, but I haven't done shit since. It's Tuesday, and I've been sitting on my ass at a trade show all day. I was good at the lunch, half of my plate was a spinach salad w/ beets, and the other half was a couple pieces of chicken breast, but I HAVE to go to the gym in the morning.

I'm not going to be a fat cow at this wedding, I want my boyfriend to see me up there and envision us on OUR wedding day, and I want to be a bride happy with herself, not one wondering "what if I weighed 20lbs less".

Sick of Myself

Okay, so I'm back. This last week has been crazy with the move, and then I got really sick. Who would have thought I'd catch the flu when moving heavy furniture in torrential downpours? Go fig.

Anyway, I'm back. Amanda, sorry I've been slacking.

My new house has a full length mirror, and I can't TELL you how long it's been since I've see all of me in one "shot" if you will. Truth is, I don't look as terrible as I thought. That's motivation number one. I'm not a disgusting pig, I'm still curvy in the right places, and not a huge blob of fat. But, I still weigh 190, which is "obese" according to those charts. Ridic, since I don't look "obese" but whatev.That number is way too high for me, personally. I'd be stoked to be back at 164, my weight post-tour. I was still curvalicious me, but much healthier.

Gym tonight after work, and I have to be serious about it. I went last week, and I got a "welcome back!" that made me want to shoot myself, because I know they can tell exactly how long it had been since I was in. I mean, jeezy creezy, it's a free membership, I might as well use it.

After this one is done tho, I'm thinking I'm going to go to the gym a block from my house, it'll be easier, and I bet they're cheaper. I should look into that. I really want to do a kickboxing class too. That would be pretty effing sweet.

My BIGGEST problem is my self-control w/ food. In the mornings, and at work, I'm pretty good. It's when I get home that I suck. Last night was better, but like when I'm alone, and my mom brings me all my favorite snacks from when I was a kid, I just devour them, like I did when I was a kid. Worst one? French's French Fried Onions. You know, the stuff that goes on top of green bean casserole. The other night I ate a can of them. Bleh.

My whole office is getting in shape, one is on Weight Watchers, the other one wants to run more (used to be a long distance runner) and the third is getting back into the gym. They're the people I deal with more, and it's HUGE motivation. We need to all look hot, hah. I can't be the cute young thing if I look disgusting.

Bottom line, it's time. Again.

Fancy pants.

Okay, well now it's Monday after my Saturday night breakdown, and I think I'm going to be just fine. Sunday, Trev and I went to Ihop, and I was craving hashbrowns like crazy...but, I abstained, and got the healthy omelette with fruit...a couple hours later, I realized it wasn't the end of the world, I wasn't still craving the potato goodness.

Then, at dinner we went to Applebees (I know, eating out two times in one day, but we were running around all day) and I got the salmon, which was pretty amazing.

I didn't work out yet, it was raining this morning, and TJ was leaving for a week. But, tomorrow morning, I'm either running at the park, or at the gym.

I dressed really nice today, and I feel pretty. I think I need to keep looking good, clothes wise, so I feel good about myself, no matter what size. Only problem is, that involves heels, and I think my feet might fall off. We'll see.

What the hell?

Here I am, two years after doing this whole weight loss thing, 5 months after being down to 164 (summer of drum corps) and I'm at 194 again.

And, the worst part? after I weighed myself, I went and ate three slices of cold pizza, plus some hot chocolate.

What am I doing to myself? The rest of my life is going so, so well. My relationship is great, my job is great, and we're getting ready to start a new life together in a new house. So why am I sabotaging myself?

Ugh, I feel disgusting. I'm not happy with how I look, how I feel in the morning... and right now, after the healthy dinner of chicken and green beans, plus those 3 cold slices, and the hot chocolate, I don't feel "full."

Yeah, that's right, I feel disgusting, but not full. I know I could eat the other two pieces of pizza left, and not throw up. At least, not involuntarily throw u

I need to make a change in my life, right now. I've been saying this since Jan 1, but I just, well, haven't.

This next week, I have to pack, and I have to work out. Those are my only priorities. Trevor is going to be gone all week, so I have no excuse to laze around in bed. I'll wake up early to work out, and pack into the night. No big, I can do it. Sure, AllieDog is going to suffer a bit, but if I take her over to the park while I run, she might be happier.

This is it, this is totally it. I need to figure out how not to do this anymore. How to maintain a healthy weight for me, without constantly feeling like I'm depriving myself, so that it's easy for me.

New house, new lifestyle, new me.

Again.