Sunday, December 2, 2007

Ugh. Finally.

I'm under 170 now, did I mention that?

Today I lost more baggage, and not the kind that rides on your hips, or under a plane. Just now I deleted DareTo. I got bored and lonely tonight, as Boyfriend's been out of town all weekend, and started reading old blogs. It started out on his, chock-full of typos and Lee Rudnicki-esque formatting...but he also mentioned little ol' me a lot. I sent him a text, since he's god-knows-where right now. "Been a long time baby. You loved me and just didn't know it!" We were always meant to be together.

But I digress.

From his, I went to my old ones, as far back as I could, and I was hoping I could get to when he was writing. But I only got as far back as my first few months in Florida, and really shouldn't have read those entries.

First of all: Sorry to everyone who had to read about my sex life. Inappropriate, and personal, and I should have never shared it.

Secondly: That Claudia chick was a bitch. So was Becky, and Nikki. However, Claudia was definitely the worst. But the one thing that ties them to me is that we've all been infatuated, or at least interested in the same man. I give them credit for their taste, if not their timing. However, I've got Trev for life, so I guess no time would have been a good time.

Thirdly: I can't "forgive and forget". The things Trevor did to me then still wreck my heart when I think about them. I will never forgive him for tearing me apart the way he did. However, I love the boy, and am able to move past them. That year will always be in our memory books, even if it's the page we flip past. It's made us who we are today, and unfortunately still linger in any arguement we have about fidelity. Trevor never cheated on me but it hurt just as bad. If I think about it long enough, I'll still get tears. However: I came clean to Trevor about a boy in Florida of my own when he was at DCI. Call it revenge, call it rebound, call it what you still killed him, and he found out the same way I found out about every Claudia bullshit, by reading a password protected account. I never cheated on Trevor but it hurt just as bad.

I deleted all my entries because it's not fair to the future "us" to have that on our record publicly. While it still hurts my heart, and guides my trust, my man now is not the same boy I first moved in with. Neither of us were ready for the intensity of that realtionship. I wanted to hold tight to the person I always dreamed of, and he was used to having me as a back up.

I won't ever be able to get over that. I'm sorry, but it's true. It's been two years now, and I'm not mad anymore, just so much more aware.

My man loves me, more than any person on this earth (save blood ties). We've grown up together, and perhaps some of these indescretions were inevitable. We have a better understanding of who we are, and what we want out of life - and it's "us". We're willing to go through anything to stay together, because we're suckers for our love.

So while I may still hold onto past hurt, it only makes me love the man in front of me a millions times more, for being who he is today.