Thursday, July 22, 2010

LOST: happy, confident girl.

So, I kinda had this teeny tiny humongous breakdown last night. I seriously think I'm depressed, and my boyfriend misses me. This is all conglomerating into this huge disgusting teary mess that is SO not cute.

I get motivated for a week, an go go go, but then something happens and I'm back in this hole. This isn't just about losing weight, it's about rediscovering ME, a girl who is long long lost.

I'm sure this is all just part of the whole process of redefining who I am, as my role has changed significantly since having the baby. But I'm just so lethargic and unmotivated 70% of the time.

To my credit, I DID just hurt my knee pretty bad. My WedMD diagnosis was a torn or strained MCL, and this happened just as I was getting into the Couch to 5K thing. So the last few weeks I've been nursing that, but It's been a handy excuse for sure. There's so many tips to get motivated and get moving, but no matter what I read or am told, there's still the initial gumption that I'm missing.

But last night was bad. We've recently found some pictures of me from 3 years ago, when I was happy and nothing could touch me.While I'm smaller in the pictures, it doesn't even really matter, its just the confidence in them that he's attracted to, a stark contrast to all the negativity surrounding me now.

I want THAT girl back, but somehow she has to fit into my current life. I used to go wake up, go to school, go to the gym, go to work, and be done with my day by 5. Now I'm up half the night, awake at 6:30, with the baby until 7:30, work until 2, then with the baby the rest of the day. On top of all the cleaning and day-to-day things. Throw in family responsibilities, and I'm lost somewhere.