Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Epiphany De-ja-vu

Watch out, I'm a triple threat. I eat for fuel, I eat with emotions, and I eat when I'm bored. No wonder this has been a life long struggle for me. I know this, I've learned this and conquered these downfalls, but I've relapsed.

I mentioned in the last post that Trevor is gone for two weeks, and I had manageable goals to get into a routine while he's away. I started out with promise: I walked a brisk 2mi with baby in her front-pack, AND ate a ton of veggies on the first day. I was at my mom's house, and she makes health fun for me (versus when I was a teen, and I seemingly rebelled from her skinny mini lifestyle).

The next morning on the drive home, all that ruffage went right thru me. However, in my few hours at home alone with the baby and the animals, I ate the remaining snacks in the house to fill the lonliness. Ironic, I realized, as I was only home to feed the cats their daily dry boring kibble. I realize when feeding them, the dog, or the baby: they only eat when they're hungry.

This as my mantra, I head back up to moms place to spend the night again and avoid my empty house (funny how large a void one member of the family leaves). I do well the rest of the day, and this morning, having hot tea or water when feeling snacky. But, home again this afternoon, and I fall right back into it. I've done light picking up, but mostly have spent the day on the couch with the baby. I get up to look at my empty fridge, and it makes me hungry. So I have a string cheese and a cup noodles, and a FiberOne bar, and a weight watchers frozen meal (after seriously considering ordering something in.) I really wanted the remaining Ben and Jerry in the freezer, so went upstairs and weighed myself and decided against it. Strong, right?

Then the baby is nursing and tv is boring and Trevor hasn't called. So I called him until I woke him up, felt like a lonely needy jerk, and went and grabbed that damn ice cream, and washed it down with Diet Coke. Recently (prebaby) when upset, I would clean to distract myself, or make some crafty goodness. But with the baby attached to my boob, my only way to deal with my emotions is food. The crap I'm eating isn't good for me, and makes the baby gassy and cranky, further exaborating my overwhelming feeling of lonliness.

I've cleaned out the kitchen of crap, made a grocery list full of crunchy veggies, and have now publicly announced my secret failures. At this point, I don't think I could get any worse, so I'm looking forward to tomorrow, and the changes I know I can make.


Breezy Peterson said...

Realizing your weaknesses is the first step to changing your outlook! I know how you feel. I "took a break" from eating sensibly/only when hungry over Christmas, and I've been off the wagon ever since. It's been almost a month! What works for me sometimes is basically a combo of what you're doing: I ask myself, "am I really hungry?", then I have a bottle of water, then I wait 20 mins, then I have a banana or carrots with peanut butter. It's SO hard! My self-control is so flimsy, I can't keep anything even remotely abusable in the house. No chips. No chocolate syrup. Nothing.

You'll get back on track! It takes some time to re-wire your brain after 20 years of comfort/boredom/stress eating. And I feel you with spending so much of your time boobing the baby. But hey, if she were bottle fed, you would need TWO hands instead of ONE to feed her. She may not be at the point where she can manage the boob on her own, but she will get there soon.

My mom's laid off right now and she taught me how to crochet when I was 8 years old. I bet if you bribed her with some sweet baby time, she would teach you too :) PM me on FB if you want!

timelessmoment05 said...

Food and dieting is such a battle! I believe you can do it and pick up where you left off again! I've never had children so I don't know what that is like when it comes to food, but I bet you crave a lot of things and wish you could eat more. Making a list of what to buy at the store and sticking to it is a good way to go. Plan out your meals and only stock good healthy food in your house. You inspired me! I need to do the same...