Sunday, June 27, 2010


Yesterday I ate a Teriyaki Burger from Carl's Jr.

Don't get me wrong...I might be a fat kid, but I hardly EVER eat a fast food burger. The last time I did was during my third trimest, my mom unwillingly bought me an animal-style cheese burger from In n' Out. She harrassed me about it, and I haven't been able to look at one since.

But Friday coming home from work, I called Trevor to ask him what he wants for lunch (a daily routine) and somehow I ended up justifying a disgusting cheeseburger as "healthy" because it had a pineapple slice on it.

I opened up the wrapped once I got home, and was disgusted. But I ate it anyway. Bleh. Where has my mind gone? That cheeseburger + medium fries combo cost me 1070 calories, on a 2000 calorie day. I KNOW that shit isn't healthy, and I normally opt for a chicken option... but after tracking the last two days of eating, I clearly have a problem.

I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a fat squishy place. I don't want to eat less, as I'm still holding onto my last days of nursing. I've given up nursing part time, and have formula supplementing while I'm at work, but I'm not ready to completely give up boobie feedings, and neither is Laney. But anytime I cut down my calories and workout a lot, my milk flow decreases drastically, and we're both cranky. But, I know the baby can't be my enabler, allowing me to sit in this oversized body any longer.

I took a first step in returning to my previous self (both mentally and physically): I took my glasses off. I've worn them nonstop since I first became pregnant, over a year ago. Once contacts became the norm, I used to only wear my glasses when I was sick or depressed, as a shield to protect me from the world. Glasses, darker hair, and fat...I mean I've regressed to those coping mechanisms from high school full time, instead of just on a bad day.

I've also signed up for DailyBurn, a diet and exercise tracker similar to those I've used in the past. The best part is that I can easily maneuver through the program on my iPhone, so no meals or snacks or cheats will ever be missed.

I also started Couch to 5K two weeks ago, and have done the same number of runs. I enjoy the 20min jaunts, and Delaney rides along in the stroller. I have a goal of 6K by Sept 25th, in time for Napa Rock and Stroll, a fun-run benefiting COPE and abused kids.

I spend FAR too much time sitting on my ass in the afternoons, using the baby to justify my laziness. I don't want her to see a therapist when she's older, lamenting her mother eating and watching TV all day long. I have far too much to get done that is just forgotten about by the end of the night...I can't control everything, but I can control myself. I HAVE controlled myself. It's time to do it again.

Yesterday weight: 222
Yesterday calorie total: 1928

Today weight: 219.2
Total calorie total: 1565

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