Or, really, my lack of it.
I'm extremely stressed and unhappy today. It's been a long long long 3 weeks, and even though baby and I just spent some time with Trevor in SLC, I'm back in an empty, torn up house, doing it all alone.. We still have until Friday, and as my mom puts it, I'm "in the bell jar."
Today is so much worse, as when Trevor agreed to go out to SLC, it was only supposed to be a couple days. We were supposed to be back and a family again. Baby hasn't slept peacefully in 48hrs, and when she does, its for 30-45min at best. She's gained weight so fast in the last week or so, and it's taking its toll on my back. I got out of bed today wanting to cry my because it hurts so bad.
Luckily, the baby is really the only thing that gets me happy.. Even when she cries (and I want to bawl right along with her) when she does smile at me, or laugh in her sleep, it makes this all worth while.
No matter how much I ask of her, baby will keep nursing even if my tits are empty. No matter how much I want her dad and my man back here, I'm not working at the moment, so a paycheck needs to come home. My physical health is the only thing I really do have control over these days.
4 comments:
Chelsea - hang in there! It is so hard to transition from being a career girl, to being home full time. I know from experience. It can be lonely and feel desperate. I remember lying on the couch with my demanding baby Levi...both of us crying and crying. I used to think "who is the bigger baby here?!!" You are doing a wonderful job nurturing and bonding with your baby, supporting your man, eating healthy. Spring is just around the corner! And then summer and you'll be pushing Delaney in the baby swings at the park (I miss that!!). Keep your chin up mama :)
Agree with Jeni. It may not feel so wonderful right now, at THIS moment, but this time with this baby is only going to happen right now. I spend A LOT of my time alone with my girls---with Lily from 10 months on, and Ali from birth.
When I reach these low spots, it sounds silly, but I remind myself to "just keep swimming". You and Trev jumped into the deep end of the ocean and now you have to swim ONE WAY OR ANOTHER. Sinking is not an option anymore; you've got Laney to keep afloat too. So if you've got lots of paddling ahead of you, might as well make the most of it. Put on a neon green bathing suit, find flower-print flippers and sing your way from here to the shore.
You CAN do it. There is no doubt as to whether or not you are capable. The only variable you have to worry about is HOW you choose to do it.
Hang in there..having raised four children..I can tell you it has its moments ..they get better and worse. There seems to be a trade off at every stage. Just keep telling yourself This too shall pass...and the good times are right around the corner again.
Breezy, you make me feel like a chump, since you were alone for WAY longer. Luckily, I only have one big bell jar day every six months.
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