190.4

So, yesterday boyfriend and I went to the mall, and he was determined to buy me new jeans. However, whereever I went, 14s weren't fitting. In the bad way. Delia's jeans were able to get up over my butt, but I had some severe muffin topping. Not gonna lie.

The last two weeks I've kinda fallen back onto the fat wagon. I've had car issues, and I don't want to drive all the way up to my gym. True, I'll drive to and from work, and 20 min back and forth to visit boyfriend at work, but something about getting on the highway for ten minutes to get to the gym freaks me out a bit.

So, I've been using equipment we've got in the neighborhood...bike, treadmill, and the elipitcal, but not everyday, and not nearly as hard as I did at Planet Fitness. It's a small room with a huge mirror, and no TV or other fellow soon-to-be-skinny people. I have't GAINED weight, but I lost 10lbs two weeks ago, and haven't moved. I think it's really mental to get over that half a pound to get to the 180's, but yesterday simultaneously discouraged and motivated me.

Ten pounds is so much! My jeans are falling off of me! And yet, new 14s don't fit. I've been pretty disillusioned. I got so comfortable losing 10lbs in a month, with only 40 more to go, I got super cocky. The fact is I want to lose MORE that 50lbs. I do NOT want to have to buy 16s. No frickin' way. Nope nope nope. I want to be out of 14s for life. I want to be able to walk into EVERY store, and not have the excuses.
"they're not stretchy"
"they're slim fit"
"they don't cater to bigger sizes."

I will not buy my clothes out of a catalouge, or at JCPenny's. I want all those X's and L's out of my wardrobe.

Luckily, I have an extremely supportive boyfriend. He was so sweet, demanding I find some cute clothes that I'll be happy to wear. He still wants me to find a new pair of jeans, since I wear my poor tired AEjeans pretty much every day. Wants me to find some flirty skirts, tops, shorts, capris...he tells me everyday how beautiful I am, and I can only see it sometimes. He never really buys me normal stuff; we usually do clothes shopping alone. But he was so determined to see me smile, he was happy to swipe his card yesterday. He made me realize how stupid I'm being about hating the size my jeans say. The fact is, I need new ones. There's no arguing it. He doesn't care what size I am, the scale says I've lost weight, he can tell I've lost weight, there's no denying it. So freaking out over a number is wasted energy.

I've been posting my lowest weights, not what they say everyday. Time for me to be completely completely honest with myself. It's not going to go down every single day. It SHOULD, but there's going to be some bad days.

So here's me restarting. Again. And maybe another trip to the mall here soon.

Much love and luck to Ms. Reno, Banana's Momma, and Sarah (hah, you don't have an internet alias, my love.) You guys keep me honest. Most of the time, haha.